Going to mall these days can be dangerous. I’m not talking about a dark parking garage or a stampede of Black Friday shoppers. No. The biggest threat I see is facing the gauntlet of the mall kiosk sales people.
You know … the ones who stop you in an attempt to make you buy whatever it is they are offering. It’s become an epidemic. You used to see a few here and there, maybe selling sunglasses or displaying cell phone cases. Now they’re everywhere. You can’t walk ten steps in the average mall without being accosted. Last week, in about a two minute time span, I passed people who wanted to curl my hair, whiten my teeth, make me look younger, and sell me fake hair extensions. I had to rush to check a mirror to make sure I hadn’t suddenly become hideous. Next, a persistent young man tried to convince me I needed a neck pillow you can warm up in the microwave…and maybe a pair of heated booties for my feet. Did I look 75-years-old now? Yes, I’ll take the heated neck wrap. Why don’t you throw in a snuggie, and a pillow that says my cat loves me?
I’ve never seen such persistence in a sales person. Perhaps their employers deprive them of food and water, or hold family members at gunpoint each day to ward against failure. Some of them make Mary Kay reps look lazy and disinterested. They seem to spot you from miles away and call out to you as you approach. They have devious ways of drawing you in. Some will try the finding-fault-with-you technique. “You looked stressed. I can take five years off your age in five minutes.” Once they have you hooked they switch to flattery to try to keep you there. “My! What are you using on your neck? You look fabulous!” Look lady, you’ve obviously never seen my neck in direct sunlight. Vampires sparkle. I wrinkle. These people are ruthless, and they are not beyond using your kids as their little sales associates “This was just voted best toy in the universe. Maybe your mom would let you try it…if she loved you. Ok. I made that last part up.
I know many of you are busy this time of year, so in the interest of saving you precious time, I have come up with tips you can try to keep the evil kiosk people at bay. Number one … focus on the ground in front of you, as if you are finding your shoes particularly interesting today, or looking for spare change. Number two…avoid eye contact. This is the most common trick, but it does have a high rate of failure. Sometimes they step out and address you in a tone of voice so loudly you would look rude to other shoppers if you ignore than. I’ll admit, “Excuse me, miss? ” sometimes works, but if they call me ma’am, forget it. I may even trip them on my way by. I’m so sorry I didn’t notice you there looming over me like a crazed stalker.
Come to think of it, maybe that’s who these people are…ex celebrity stalkers who now have restraining orders against them. “Before I sold these amazing dog leashes, I spent most of my time in the palm tree overlooking Jessica Alba’s backyard.”
Where was I? Oh, yes. If this tactic doesn’t work for you it’s time to try Number three..the direct stare and glare. Look them right in the eye as though you think they are disgusting and don’t deserve to inhabit the same planet as you. In other words, channel your inner Simon Cowell. One withering glance will sometimes dissuade them. If not, you can try a verbal approach. Remember your self defense classes. Screaming “STOP!” or “NO!” can do wonders, but it does cause slight embarrassment Afterwards, you usually have to pretend you have that syndrome which makes people throw out random swear words, then toss some over your shoulder, as you calmly head towards Nordstrom’s.
When all else fails you must move onto Number four, or as I like to call it… playing the crazy card. Do you remember the Norma Desmond character Carol Burnett used to play on her show? If not, just Google “when Saturday night TV was good” and brush up a little. First, do that thing she used to do with her eyes. Get about two inches from their face and say, ”Don’t you know who I am? You will address me as madam! Now, go away, or I will report you to Louie B. Mayer, and he will have you thrown off the lot!”
If you have additional suggestions, I’d love to hear them. I know all of you are frequenting the
malls this busy holiday vacation season. Be sure to Jussle your schedule, so you don’t miss one egg nog brunch or New Year’s party. Until then, see you at the mall. I’ll be the one acting crazy.
